Self Portrait (reflected through a mirror) - Oil on linen
We’re in the month of Elul, the last month on the Hebrew calendar; a time for introspection and stocktaking, preparing for the upcoming High Holidays. With this in mind, I thought I would share a bit of my own introspection that led to where I am today — a prequel to “The Story Behind My Art.”
On the doorstep of my 45th birthday, my partner and I sold our business to a publicly listed company on the New York Stock Exchange. I can remember like it was yesterday, the sheer elation I felt when I hung up the phone a few minutes before midnight, having culminated the sale with the COO of our acquiring company located a thousand miles away.
It had gone by plan. From the very start of our company thirteen years prior, to its final sale that late evening. The one thing that didn’t go by plan however, was what it was going to be like for me after the sale. I didn’t realize until years later how naive my post-sale vision for myself had been.
Trapeze artists have another trapeze in motion before they let go of the one they’re swinging on. They don’t want to fall. My business was my trapeze and when I let go, it occurred to me I didn’t have another “trapeze” in motion to leap onto. So, I fell so to speak. It was really my professional identity that was in free-fall and this was a big part of who I was.
I soon recognized my new ego-enhanced identity of a relatively young, financially independent and successful entrepreneur didn’t buy much. It surely didn’t buy fulfillment, meaning and happiness.
The lack of doing anything significant became a weight. My self-concept was inextricably linked to a profession I no longer had. So, I embarked on a journey in search of meaning and happiness. Self-help books; meditation, spiritual retreats, classes on ancient spiritual traditions, shamans, etc. Where was I going to find direction?
Concurrent with my spiritual quest, I joined not-for-profit boards and took on various volunteer roles trying to find something that was going to capture my next passion. I also embarked on a path to become an artist. I say “become” because I needed to invent the “new me,” - my next entrepreneurial pursuit, my next business card to replace the one I let go of upon the sale of my business.
Fast-forward… Rather than driving my art, my art ironically drove me. Surprisingly, it was not to my intended destination but rather back to myself.
The name of my website, “HeartoftheOnion.com” says it all:
The "Heart of the Onion" is a metaphor for a journey -- peeling through layers of raw feeling and emotion; peeling away layers of conditioning and illusion; and connecting with a burning fire within.
With the spotlight of my art, there was nowhere to hide. I couldn’t hide from myself. I didn’t want to hide because I was in earnest search for meaning (the why) in what I was doing. And, I found the why embedded within my Jewish identity.
As the years have gone by, I have grown ever closer to this “burning fire within.” And, this is where my Substack — “The Story Behind My Art” begins.
Julie, Awwww... You are so kind! Thanks for your encouragement!!!
Thank you Sheri. I'm so intrigued with what you write!